I’m a bit grumpy today. Maybe it’s because it was just too humid to sleep well last night, or maybe it’s because somebody ate the last Amish doughnut this morning. It might even be due to the fact that our enormous Astrolorp rooster decided that today was the day to assert his authority by chasing my five year-old around the yard. While I galloped after both of them and hollered at the top of my lungs and the Big Guy laughed his ass off, I made a conscious decision that everything about today is going to piss me off.
For starters, I’d like to tackle “just kidding” and its bastard cousins “lol”, “jk” and the demented colon-parenthesis-smile of idiocy.
Basically, people seem to think they should use these adorable little tidbits so they can say any horrible, insulting or demeaning thing they want — so long as the offending words are followed by some form of “just kidding!”
But you know what? It’s not okay. Hurtful words are hurtful. Period. Spoken or texted, saying something mean and spiteful should not be given an automatic pass just because it’s followed by “just kidding!”
Maybe I’m just a bit hormonal this week, but I’ve decided to respond here to some of some of the things I’ve heard in recent days, and I’m going to reply in the spirit in which these humorous words were offered.
“I wish I could just sit around on my butt and do nothing all day like you. Gee, I want to be disabled too. Just kidding!”
“And I wish a tree would fall on YOU and break YOUR spine in five places so you can be in constant pain, too. Just kidding!
“You’re such a beyotch. Lol.”
“And you’re a worthless asshole sponging off society. Lol.”
“Your husband needs one night with a real woman. Can I borrow him? JK!”
“Only if you can list the names of the fathers of all seven of your kids. Or did you forget to catch their names while you were catching their social diseases? JK!”
Oh, wait; is this the point where you all roll your eyes and protest “It was just a joke! Don’t take it so personally!”
Followed by my personal favorite:
“Don’t you know how take a joke?”
“Don’t you know how to tell one?”
No, I’m not over-sensitive. Yes, I do have a sense of humor. I just don’t see anything funny about hurting other people’s feelings and then pretending that you’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m not suggesting that we all have to be nice all the time. But if you’re going to blurt out some nasty, snarky thing, then have the balls to own it. Want to call me a bitch? Then don’t hide behind some giggly little mutation of the word and weaken it even further by adding “I’m kidding!”
If you think I’m a bitch, call me a bitch. Don’t like me? Hey, Snowflake, chances are good I’m not fond of you, either. Drop the games.
And here’s a suggestion for the men out there. If your wife makes you a special dessert — after picking the cherries, washing and pitting them, digging through your mother’s recipes to find your favorite cherry pudding dessert, and then baking the whole damn thing on a hot summer day in a kitchen with no air-conditioning — do not say “It’s just not as good as Mom’s. Just kidding!”
Because you may wake up the next morning to discover that leftover cherry pudding has been stuffed up your ass while you were sleeping.