Okay, Boys and Girls, it’s time for Mama A.J.’s list of Top Ten Halloween Dos and Don’ts.
- If you want to give a nasty note to chubby kids while giving candy to the skinny ones, DON’T. Just shut your door and skip Halloween. Maybe even enjoy a quiet evening of extracting your head from your ass.
- If you think Halloween is the work of Satan and feel that it’s your job to tell innocent children they are going to burn in Hell for celebrating, DO join #1 in the head-extraction process.
- On a similar note, DON’T hand out Biblical pamphlets about the evils of Halloween.
- If you think it’s actually called “Whore-o-ween” and want to dress like a porn star, please DO so at an appropriate venue. Which is NOT the elementary school costume party.
- If you think it’s okay to dress your 13-yr old in a costume from Fredrick’s of Hollywood, DO seek help for yourself immediately. People shouldn’t wonder whether she is trick-or-treating or turning tricks.
- When decorating your home, DO try to recognize the line between scary and horrifying. Hint: Making your driveway look like a murder scene two weeks before the big night is horrifying. And not funny.
- Part two of that? When decorating your home, DO remember that trick-or-treaters are children. A little scare is fun, but there’s no need to make them want to go home early and have nightmares for months. Halloween for a five year-old should NOT cause PTSD or require years of psychotherapy.
- If you have a negative opinion about a child’s costume, DO keep it to yourself. Nobody cares that you think it’s wrong for a boy to dress as a princess.
- When choosing costumes for yourself, DO try not to be offensive. Seriously, nobody thinks blackface is funny. Nobody.
- DON’T take everything so seriously on Halloween! If a little girl dresses like an Indian, maybe it’s about a girl wanting to be Pocahontas and not about disrespecting an entire race. If a child dresses like a devil, it doesn’t mean he has sold his soul in exchange for a Zagnut. And the afore-mentioned idiot in the offensive costume is exactly that: an idiot. Not necessarily a racist or a bad person. Just a stupid one.
And there it is, my little bit of sunshine and happiness to spread in the aftermath of Halloween. You’ll have to forgive me for being cranky. But I am alone in a house with two overflowing trick-or-treat bags that don’t belong to me, and the chocolate is talking to me.
I know there’s a Toblerone in there somewhere, darn it.