Well, that was stupid.
I have done many stupid things in my life. I once turned down a chance to buy a mint condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15 for $20. I went on a date with a guy who wanted to date my sister but “settled” for me when he learned she was married. I believed the people who said an Epilady was painless. I went home on April Fool’s Day one year and wrapped my computer in a garbage bag because I believed the DJ who said the phone company would be “blowing static out of the phone lines.”
In a world of people who do stupid things, I could be Royalty. Maybe not the Queen of Stupidity, but definitely a Duchess of Derp at the very least.
But this one, this time, I really crossed the line. I earned my Crown of Idiocy.
I joined an online dating community. But not just an online dating community. Oh, no. I joined an online dating community for the “Large and Lovely.” That’s right: I signed up for a plus-size dating service.
Do you know what I saw on the very first profile I checked out? The guy is 6’4” – definitely “large” although not exactly “lovely” – and guess how he describes his perfect date? Slim. Now, I ask you: what kind of asshole joins a plus-size dating community and says he is looking for a slim woman?
Don’t laugh too hard; I’m the only person I know who can join a plus-size dating community and find the one asshole looking for a slim woman.
This does not bode well.
I filled out the profile and tried to be as honest as possible. I outlined what I see as my strengths and weaknesses, and I was pretty relaxed about describing what I am looking for in a man. Looks aren’t all that important to me. I’m not really impressed by a fancy job or huge income. I’m not concerned with race or ethnic background or religion. Basically, I just want a couple of dates with a nice guy who lives within a hundred miles or so.
So far, men in England and Los Angeles really seem to like me. A handful of married men have expressed interest. Married men. Seriously, married men join dating services? Why?
Have I heard from any single men from Michigan?
Nope. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
From this data, I can infer that men from Michigan are all married, faithful, and/or in pursuit of slender women.
Maybe I’m just being too picky, but I really can’t get excited about a guy who calls himself “Cubbychaser01” or “LikeBigButts38.” Not overly excited by the dude who says he wants a woman with “more cushion for the pushin” or swears that “Fat chicks need lovin’ too!”
One guy looks suspiciously like Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m tempted to respond just so he can think he’s catfishing me, but I’d rather not waste my time. Or his. I mean, what if it really is Dog, and then I ended up in a fight with Beth? I’m not sure I could take her in a fight.
I don’t want to find out.
Although I’d love to know where she buys her bras. I want one of those.