Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Since my last several posts have been somewhat dark and depressing, I have decided to lighten up a little bit today.  I’m going to try something I have seen others bloggers do but have never tried myself. I’m going to look at some of the oddest search terms that people have used to find their way to my blog.

People keep finding me while searching for wrestler AJ Lee.  But they aren’t just searching for her name.  They look for “AJ Lee ass,”” AJ Lee boobs,” “AJ Lee string,” ”AJ Lee bikini boobs,” and so on.  If anyone reading this blog wants to assume that I look anything like AJ Lee, please feel free to do so.  You will be disappointed if we ever meet face-to-face, but fantasize all you like.

I’m not sure if these searches end up here because of the “AJ” or because I mentioned Ms. Lee in one post when I talked about the fact that my pen name used to be AJ Lee back in the 1980’s, but I changed it when the other one became so famous.

The word “boobs” seems to bring a lot of people to my blog as well, along with a few interesting variations: “Chi chi boobies,” “chi chis,” “hooters,” “oh my boobies” and my personal favorite, “boobies goo.” What in the hell was that guy looking for?

I’ve written a couple of posts about fanfiction; specifically, I explored the unsettling trends of Real Person Fiction and something called “whumpage,” which explains search terms like “big time rush fanfiction kidnap” or “criminal minds fanfiction Reid suffered.”  But I’m seriously creeped out by the fact that people are coming to my blog after searching for terms liker5 incest,” “ross lynch gay fantasy” or “whipping boy whump tumblr pic.”  And let’s not forget about “emma watson gives tom felton a blow job backstage.”

And while I’m being seriously creeped out, what is up with the people looking for sexual stories about an aunt?  Is this some kind of fetish of which I have been unaware?  “I fucked my sleeping aunt when I was a kid story,”  and “True to life stories my bored aunt give me a handjob and blowjob while im asleep.”

Say it with me now:  Ewww.

If you are finding my blog while looking for these terms, just move along.  Better yet, stop looking for these terms.  Get help.

Randolph Mantooth and his character Johnny Gage show up fairly often in my list of search terms.  I understand that.  I’ve had a crush on him since I was about six years old, so I talk about him here almost as much as I talk about Toblerone.  Which, surprisingly, has never brought a single person to my blog.

No less than five people have found me by searching for “whippoorwill’s ass.”  Seriously.

Some of the searches have been oddly specific:  “what was the name of the candy store in Saugatuck” and “Armstrong farm, corners of M-43 & M-40.”

I’m gratified to see just how many times people have found my blog because they are actually looking for it.  “AJGoode,” “A Good One,” “Her House Divided,” and so on.  That’s a bit of a relief, actually, although a good chunk of those searches were probably done by people I know who wanted to find out if I ever mention them in my blog.

Yes, ObnoxioMom, I still talk about you.  Now go put a normal football helmet on your son with the unique head and stop trying to figure out if I ever mention your real name.  I don’t.

I’m mystified that people have found my blog when searching for “ass.”  Just the one word, all by itself.  Ass.  Not “Great ass,” although “Bigass” is understandable and has brought in many a searcher, thanks to my post about living in The Land of Bigass Denial.  Not even “AJ Goode is acting like an ass,” which I could take in stride because sometimes I do indeed act like an ass.  It’s one of my charms.

The search for “gaysex bringasan” has me baffled.  What, exactly, was this person looking for and why did they end up here?  “Raccoon coffee” is another odd one, as is “red letter days wolfman.” I have no idea what to make of “my husband airs our dirty laundry to our mutual friends.”   What about “silhouette by a dumpster and “fat person short hair?   Did that last one pop up under “images” with my profile picture?  If so, it’s time to grow the hair out, but only because that’s so much easier than losing weight.

I have to wonder how some of the people feel when their searches bring them here.  I mean, if someone is looking for “written smoking erotica” or “sex stories/mommy incest stories” and they end up on my Mother’s Day letter to my mother, there’s got to be a certain level of disappointment.

I don’t want to know about the ones looking for “whippoorwill’s ass.” I really don’t.

Whumpage!

I learned a new word recently.  Ready for it?

Whumpage.

Isn’t that great?  Say it out loud:  Whumpage.   I dare you to try to say it without grinning immediately afterward.

It’s a term used by fanfiction writers to describe stories in which physical or emotional pain is heaped on a favorite character, over and over and over again.  These stories are usually categorized in the Hurt/Comfort genre and have summaries that promise “Lots of whumpage!  Tissue alert!”

And they are hilarious.

It starts with the smallest, youngest, or prettiest male character from any fandom (book, TV show, etc.).  In some cases, one character fits all three criteria, and then the authors have a field day.  This character is built up to be as vulnerable as possible, often bordering on childlike or effeminate.  Some of the more ambitious writers portray him as so vulnerable and childlike that he almost seems to be mentally incompetent.

Then this creative little author will proceed to beat the living crap out of the poor guy.

I need to go off on a quick tangent here about the nature of injuries in fanfiction.  The tiniest bump on the noggin results in a concussion, which quickly degenerates into a skull fracture – with or without a coma.  While the loved ones suffer through all kinds of angst, the pitiful patient almost always develops pneumonia with a fever that soon soars up into the seizure zone.

Any broken bone in fanfiction automatically becomes a compound fracture with full complications.  Everyone, it seems, ends up with broken ribs that puncture and collapse a lung.  Which, of course, always becomes pneumonia.

Injured or sick characters in fanfiction also develop every complication known to man.  There is almost always a setback of some sort just as things start looking up, sometimes dozens of times in the same story.  On occasion the setback is due to incompetent or cruel medical professionals whose poor treatment brings about a relapse or the aforementioned pneumonia; more often it comes in the form of some evildoer bent on the destruction and suffering of the poor fellow.

At some point, breathing stops.  Then the heart stops.  After much angst, gnashing of teeth, and tearing of hair, our pretty little hero miraculously comes back – either through CPR, defibrillator, or the life-saving teardrops of that one special friend/lover/pal.

Many of the best (translation: worst) whumpage stories are teeming with guy-on-guy rape scenes.

I’ve never been able to understand the appeal of this aspect of these stories.  Seriously, if I’m having some heavy-duty fantasies about, say, Johnny Gage, the absolute last thing I want to read is a story in which he is violently gang-raped by some macho bad guy with questionable motivation.

Can anybody explain this to me?

Another fairly creepy trademark of these whumpage stories is the “comfort” part of Hurt/Comfort.  The other male characters suddenly become, for no apparent reason, Mommies.  They comfort the poor whumped-upon fellow by rubbing his back while he vomits, or by spooning broth into his mouth.  They carry their injured friend around like a toddler and exchange soft, gentle words of love while tucking him in and wondering when –or if—help will arrive.  And arrive it does, always at the last possible second, just when all hope seems lost.

Honestly, I am a Mommy, and I’m not even that nice to my own kids when they are sick.  I’m the kind of Mommy who says, “If you’re gonna hurl, hurl that way” before handing them the Barf Bucket.

One popular variation of the Hurt/Comfort story is the hero who bravely hides his own injuries while taking care of his friends.  With superhuman strength and determination, he might drag an unconscious victim out of a burning building despite his own broken pelvis or collapsed lung; he will grit his teeth against the pain of a broken leg or spine while marching up and down a hill to build a shelter for his buddy after an airplane crash.  He’ll ignore the throbbing pain of a concussion long enough to get his BFF to safety before passing out.

This then gives all kinds of opportunity for more angst, as the other characters berate themselves for not noticing his injuries.

The funniest part of a whumpage story is the recovery of our poor, frail little whipping boy.  After multiple compound fractures, collapsed lungs and dozens of concussions, these fellas always recover fully and bounce right back into their lives with no lingering pain or memory issues.  Nobody ever has to file a disability claim.

I want to include links to a few examples of extreme Hurt/Comfort/Whumpage on Fanfiction.net, but I also want to make sure to give a few warnings first.  Some of these stories are very explicit and have already been reported for exceeding FFNet’s standards, so please don’t read if you are easily offended.

These fanfic writers have put a lot of effort into their work, and some of them are really quite talented.  They aren’t bad writers; they are simply following an established (and unfortunate) trend on the site.  Besides, the more a writer beats up on a character, the more reviews he or she will get.  It’s addictive.  All of those accolades make it really tempting to kick the guy while he’s down. . . for just one more chapter.

In short, please be nice to the writers of the stories I am listing here.

“Missing in Motion” actually started out as a decent story with some promise.  The boys of Big Time Rush are involved in a tour bus accident and then kidnapped by a group of really well-written criminals.  So far, so good.  Then we get the first major surgery on the Pitiful Character, followed by a second car accident, and a random stoner rapes one of the boys while a misguided Army medic rapes another; later, two of the boys are forced to sexually assault each other at gunpoint and the crazed medic goes after his patient again. Later still, two of the boys are sold into sexual slavery in Canada, where one of them is molested by his former hockey coach.  Meanwhile, one boy nearly dies from a knife wound while the other has a complete mental breakdown and psychotic break after having a bomb strapped to his chest.

And it keeps going.  On and on and on, with no end in sight.  The author is trying to write a heartbreaking tale of pain and suffering, but it is so over the top that it actually seems like a parody of Hurt/Comfort/Whumpage stories.

“Death Warmed Over” is one that opens with the life-threatening injury of the prettiest man on the show White Collar.  The poor boy suffers chapter after chapter of near-recovery followed by a string of horrific relapses—also with no end in sight.

Then there’s “Faithfully Condemned”, a Criminal Minds story in which Reid is horribly tortured for no reason other than to make him seem increasingly frail and pathetic.  I’ll admit I stopped reading this one early on because it was just too . . . icky. The writer really put a lot of thought and planning into this one.  Maybe a bit too much, if you get my meaning.

So I’m a bit cruel to laugh at stories of pain and suffering on Fanfiction.Net, but I also understand the fun of writing them.  As a matter of fact, I used to have a bunch of Hurt/Comfort stories on my account over there that I have since deleted because they were so awful.

No matter how bad the whumpage stories are, can we all agree that they are still better than “Fifty Shades of Grey”?